Ode to Joy and the eyes of my heart
"Remember the first time I met you and I said that for some reason you reminded me of Drew Barrymore?" and she continued "I figured out what it is, it's your eyes, you have a sadness in your eyes". Then a few days later, a completely different person said to me "has anyone ever told you that you look like Drew Barrymore?" and in my mind I'm thinking "Yup I guess because I'm sad". I don't think Drew Barrymore is a sad person and I felt genuine kindness in the query about my sad eyes so there's no malice here. But the dialog has sparked a line of thinking ...
There are few things in life that I can control. But the thing I have the least control of all of IS my eyes. Eyes are said to be the windows to the soul. And guess what? There's sadness there. But there is also joy. And I guess I would argue that joy is fuller because of the sadness, like they co-exist together, one makes the other more authentic.
When you experience a loss of great magnitude, especially someone who is a constant, like a father or mother or child, brother or sister ... you are called to keep going ... to live out your days. But as you are living there are so many moments that are happy moments ... important milestones like graduations, weddings, birthdays, and so on. Every celebration is laced with a sadness, a void, as someone important is not there. So yeah, my eyes have sadness in them. I'm not sure this is something I can fix and I wouldn't know how to try. But I am content to live with it, here's why ...
Happiness is not my pursuit. While I enjoy being happy it is void of substance. Whereas joy incorporates all that is, the good, the bad and the ugly and creates capacity to live with all of it and still be joyful. Joy comes from a deeper place, from a place of knowing the story is not over, there's a bigger story and I get to live a piece of it. I am trusting the Author of the story to work it all out. Christmas is almost here and it's a great time to ponder joy. I truly believe Jesus was sent here as a baby to embrace humanity and live and walk the earth and die for our sins. He is the most incredible gift to all of humanity and was largely missed in His time and in our time. I believe He is who He said He was and is and he is my Savior, my Messiah who offers the free gift of eternal life. And while I have wrestled with the why's of why the father of my children was called way early to the heavens and I don't have an explanation for it. BUT I do trust the Creator of the universe has it figured out. So with anticipation I'm waiting for it all to unfold and I get to find and experience joy in the moments that pass me by. And there is so much in my life that I can be grateful for and celebrate. Joy allows me to celebrate and feel sadness at the same time.
When you stand on the precipice with someone as they are headed to the heavens it is holy ground. When they go one way and you go the other after you've been knit together as one it's like this shearing, most painful, most excruciating ripping away. Like it literally ripped part of my heart out the day Brian died. But then my heart kept beating much to my own shock and it was beating and bleeding and still is but maybe less blood today than that day. And it keeps beating and I have breath so I have an obligation to go on and keep moving and so why not just go ahead and find the joy in breathing, in taking it all in. So I'm not ashamed of my sad eyes. I get to incorporate them in the journey and who knows how they may change over time ...
So what's "Ode to Joy"? Well It's Beethoven's last symphony. Beethoven as an incredible artist has always intrigued me. I know his life was tumultuous. I identify with this. I have an inner crazy and it seeps out sometimes. In fact, what I miss most about Brian, is that I was able to let my crazy hang out 100% of the time and he loved me for it. But that's not the point here.
Beethoven was incredibly creative and complicated. And there is an evolution in his work that speaks to what I'm talking about. See excerpt below and click on the link of you want to read more about him:
Symphony No. 9 is also Beethoven’s last finished symphony, and it’s substantially different from the eight that preceded it. All previous symphonies are characterized by a contrast between two main themes, which usually portray two different forces. It can be said that the composer put a piece of himself in his work: Beethoven struggled between opposites throughout his life, balancing creative independence against financial stability, or higher ideals against natural impulsiveness (did you know he changed more than 60 accommodations during the 35 years he lived in Vienna?).
Symphony No. 9, though, was written later in life. At that time Beethoven was completely deaf and had gone through self-isolation, depression and suicidal thoughts. He eventually overcame his despair, but he was deeply changed by it. It is no coincidence then that his most mature symphony doesn’t follow his typical pattern of a clash between two themes, rather a dialogue between several themes and voices.
Even as life was falling apart, Beethoven managed to find a place of joy where he had incorporated all of the good, the bad of the ugly an made something beautiful out of it. So I guess that's what I'm saying about JOY we get to have it without denying the pain. I know the watching world is waiting for me to "get over it" and well I'm here to tell you it just isn't going to happen. It couldn't happen without erasing all the memories that made having Brian has lover, friend and father of my children so amazing. So yeah, I live with sad eyes and also choose joy and who knows how my eyes will change over time.
Just for fun ... here are some photos of me over time ... I do see some changes
There are few things in life that I can control. But the thing I have the least control of all of IS my eyes. Eyes are said to be the windows to the soul. And guess what? There's sadness there. But there is also joy. And I guess I would argue that joy is fuller because of the sadness, like they co-exist together, one makes the other more authentic.
When you experience a loss of great magnitude, especially someone who is a constant, like a father or mother or child, brother or sister ... you are called to keep going ... to live out your days. But as you are living there are so many moments that are happy moments ... important milestones like graduations, weddings, birthdays, and so on. Every celebration is laced with a sadness, a void, as someone important is not there. So yeah, my eyes have sadness in them. I'm not sure this is something I can fix and I wouldn't know how to try. But I am content to live with it, here's why ...
Happiness is not my pursuit. While I enjoy being happy it is void of substance. Whereas joy incorporates all that is, the good, the bad and the ugly and creates capacity to live with all of it and still be joyful. Joy comes from a deeper place, from a place of knowing the story is not over, there's a bigger story and I get to live a piece of it. I am trusting the Author of the story to work it all out. Christmas is almost here and it's a great time to ponder joy. I truly believe Jesus was sent here as a baby to embrace humanity and live and walk the earth and die for our sins. He is the most incredible gift to all of humanity and was largely missed in His time and in our time. I believe He is who He said He was and is and he is my Savior, my Messiah who offers the free gift of eternal life. And while I have wrestled with the why's of why the father of my children was called way early to the heavens and I don't have an explanation for it. BUT I do trust the Creator of the universe has it figured out. So with anticipation I'm waiting for it all to unfold and I get to find and experience joy in the moments that pass me by. And there is so much in my life that I can be grateful for and celebrate. Joy allows me to celebrate and feel sadness at the same time.
When you stand on the precipice with someone as they are headed to the heavens it is holy ground. When they go one way and you go the other after you've been knit together as one it's like this shearing, most painful, most excruciating ripping away. Like it literally ripped part of my heart out the day Brian died. But then my heart kept beating much to my own shock and it was beating and bleeding and still is but maybe less blood today than that day. And it keeps beating and I have breath so I have an obligation to go on and keep moving and so why not just go ahead and find the joy in breathing, in taking it all in. So I'm not ashamed of my sad eyes. I get to incorporate them in the journey and who knows how they may change over time ...
So what's "Ode to Joy"? Well It's Beethoven's last symphony. Beethoven as an incredible artist has always intrigued me. I know his life was tumultuous. I identify with this. I have an inner crazy and it seeps out sometimes. In fact, what I miss most about Brian, is that I was able to let my crazy hang out 100% of the time and he loved me for it. But that's not the point here.
Beethoven was incredibly creative and complicated. And there is an evolution in his work that speaks to what I'm talking about. See excerpt below and click on the link of you want to read more about him:
Symphony No. 9 is also Beethoven’s last finished symphony, and it’s substantially different from the eight that preceded it. All previous symphonies are characterized by a contrast between two main themes, which usually portray two different forces. It can be said that the composer put a piece of himself in his work: Beethoven struggled between opposites throughout his life, balancing creative independence against financial stability, or higher ideals against natural impulsiveness (did you know he changed more than 60 accommodations during the 35 years he lived in Vienna?).
Symphony No. 9, though, was written later in life. At that time Beethoven was completely deaf and had gone through self-isolation, depression and suicidal thoughts. He eventually overcame his despair, but he was deeply changed by it. It is no coincidence then that his most mature symphony doesn’t follow his typical pattern of a clash between two themes, rather a dialogue between several themes and voices.
Even as life was falling apart, Beethoven managed to find a place of joy where he had incorporated all of the good, the bad of the ugly an made something beautiful out of it. So I guess that's what I'm saying about JOY we get to have it without denying the pain. I know the watching world is waiting for me to "get over it" and well I'm here to tell you it just isn't going to happen. It couldn't happen without erasing all the memories that made having Brian has lover, friend and father of my children so amazing. So yeah, I live with sad eyes and also choose joy and who knows how my eyes will change over time.
Just for fun ... here are some photos of me over time ... I do see some changes
This is a most recent photo taken a couple of weeks ago. A friend took it during lunch so I could have a non-professional photo on my data profile. Oh dear me, dating profile, that is daunting. More on that another time.
This is a professional head shot taken about 18 months ago, yes I have fake eyelashes but you can see the turned down eyes still.
This is my first professional head shot taken post Brian.
And look how happy she is here, this photo was taken one day after Brian's first chemo treatment. There was a shadow of doubt already looming but wow we were so hopeful.
I loved this, tears running down my face and all. I've seen you through the good the bad and ugly and still you continue to bring beauty to everyone and everything. I have this picture hanging in my kitchen and these are the two faces I first look at when I glance at it. I see love and happiness captured in a moment in time. A strong love! I can't take it down because it is a reminder to me that God is Good, Has a Plan and wants us to find that joy you were talking about. It's a reminder that we are blessed when we have found that someone who is so a part of us! Thanks for being an example to me and my family. My forever best next door neighbor - who doesn't live next door anymore but is still in my heart and prayers!
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness my beautiful neighbor! I miss you so much. Thank you for these kind words and for being with me/us through all of it! I just love you!
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