But look at the adventure we had ...

I'm going to try something; I'm actually not sure if I can do it but I feel called to try this ...change my FB relationship status from "Widowed from Brian Schlador" to "Single".

Wow, it sounds so much more ... alone ... so singularly .. single. I mean ... widowed from ... sounds so much more ... attached ...

Keep in mind that, several years back, when I updated my status to "Widowed from Brian Schlador" it was because that was the only way I could be "not married". I'm sure FB has changed the process to be more emotionally intelligent since but I had to prove that he was dead in order to not be married to him anymore. The whole thing was bizarre at the time and it left me with this relationship status of being widowed. At first I couldn't even say the word because it meant that my husband was dead and while it was very real to me that he didn't come home ... ever ... it was also horrifying to acknowledge it out loud. Over time I've embraced the concept and even managed to use the words "late husband" ...

Now it seems like it might to be time to embrace a new concept. I was extraordinarily lucky in love. I've said it before, it's worth repeating "marriage is a crap shoot" but Brian had some serious sticking power and he never let me go when things got rough. You know if you've tried it, marriage is hard! We got thru the hard stuff and we were in it for the long haul when our plan to grow old together was derailed. Several days before his passing Brian said to me "I think you should remarry" quite seemingly out of the blue. My head jerked around and I blurted out "you know I could never do that!". He knew that I was referring to watching him fade from my sight. We were being ripped a part after the years of growing intimately intertwined and he knew the pain as I knew it and he said thoughtfully "But look at the adventure we've had". We did have a grand adventure! To love and be loved is an extraordinary gift; if you have love, revel in it! It's sweet, it's beautiful, it could be temporal, so give it your best shot! If you can let all the stupid stuff go and love deeply you won't regret it.

So I think the new concept is this ... to be "widowed from" is still sort of a state of being connected. And while I may not ever be wholly disconnected from Brian there is a sense of completeness in that our marriage pact was signed, sealed and delivered til death did us part. And well I do need a new adventure. Brian knew I would need a new adventure and he tried to push me toward it. I've spent the last six years and a few months trying to cling to the past. I feel my arm stretching so far behind me trying to hold on to the past that it might just snap back with a vengeance. I think to update my status to single is symbolic of me reaching forward as opposed to backward thru time. Honestly, I would go back thru time if I could. But, its not an option, so I'm reaching forward ever so slightly. Looking too far ahead is daunting so I stay in this present moment and I keep traveling onward ...