Leaving the shadow behind

March 7, 2016

Two years ago today we buried my husband, the father of my children, the love of my life. Fifteen years ago I remember standing at the casket of a dear friend and wondering how on earth a spouse would stand at the grave of their beloved and walk away. I learned that day how you do it, you just do. Every fiber of being wanted to crawl in and part of me did. But I paused that day and really thought about it and I chose to go on. It's what Brian wanted. He made me promise to finish what we started and be parents to our children. Obviously it was also my calling and so I walked away that day and started learning to live a life I didn't plan, a story I would not have written.

At first I dove into a flurry of activity because I thought I needed to sell my house. After several months of dashing from thing to thing doing what I thought needed to be done I faded into a shell of a person that did not know how to move. And so each day I would wake up and say something like "what's next?" And each day I would get up and do whatever was next. Months have now faded into two years and I've been doing what's next each day. About nine months ago I was confronted with the reality that even though living I was a still somewhat of a shell. Jon Foreman's song "Terminal" caught my attention with the line "some folks die in offices one day at a time, they could live to be a hundred, but their soul's already dead". I knew I didn't want that to be my story.

I casually looked at the Christmas card I sent out this year that was sitting at my desk. This line caught my attention: "learning to live fully in the shadow of grief". While this was appropriate and necessary for a time, it occurred to me that at sometime I would have to leave the shadow and come into the light. But how? I think now might be the time, but I don't know how. I think there is some safety in living in the shadows. After all the shadow proves the existence of light. And while lurking in the shadows my faith in the Creator God as Author of my story, even though I don't like it, has continued to grow as I revel in His goodness each day.

But this does not answer the question, how. And it occurs to me that I will have to exercise a new muscle to get this done. There's this question of do I leave the shadow or step into the light? Which comes first? Neither. It's a simultaneous shift. And really the only way to leave the shadow is to leave what's holding me there. And I've come to an important conclusion about what is holding me there. I just don't want my story with Brian to be over. I love the life I had with him, as wife, as mother of his children, as mostly stay at home mom, as him championing me into new and independent adventures in starting a business, and then starting a new career. But what is hardest to leave behind is his friendship and depth of understanding and accepting who I am and loving me passionately anyway without any demands that I grow or change. But I did anyway because I could. And then it occurs to me that right there is my motivation, the how, the why. I grow, I change, I undergo a metamorphosis because I can. Because time moves on anyway and we can sit on one place or keep moving. I choose the latter because I can. Because it's our calling to embrace what is and revel in God's goodness. And well it's just time to bring my wild hair and smile out into the light again; Brian always thought my hair matched my personality and he loved to see me smile. And so here I am, wild, crazy, mixed up mess, putting it all out there one breath at a time. Miss you honey! Thanks for smiling on my for so many years.