Lost but not forgotten?

In the still quiet of the night, another sleepless night has settled in, and I sit and ponder if there's a rhyme and reason for it all. Yes the only way to describe the vast expanse of nothingness in the still quiet of the night is just plain lost. Lost in a sea of nothingness, thoughts that swirl before me. My husband, vanished before my sight, left his broken body behind; his clothes, his tools, his personal accessories still inhabit this place as though they are waiting to be used. Dad's junk drawer is still dad's. "Go look in the garage in your dad's tools" ... it's all waiting for his return somehow and yet ... he doesn't come. I've stopped expecting him to come but nothing has filled the space of sheer emptiness that he left behind.

I try to set my sight on the Giver of this once amazing gift I called my husband, and not the gift itself. To elevate this gift beyond the Giver himself would be wrong. But try as I might nothing seems to fill the expanse of nothingness that lays before me in the long hours of the night. I lay here with my stomach churning away from all the stresses of the day. Susie homemaker now attempts to put on the hat of Susie loan officer. Somehow I am called to this transformation of putting on a career that will provide for me and my son. I gave the best years of my career to parenting. A choice that Brian and I made together. Then he encouraged me to take on a new career. A a year into it I took a sabbatical to stay by my husband's side while he fought a most ferocious battle. And now I go back to this fledgling career, lost, discouraged, and completely stressed out beyond belief. And I ponder ... did the Lover of my soul forget the widow and her orphaned children? Perhaps not. But today, it is completely impossible to see beyond the gut wrenching pain in my soul, in the depths of my being. Could it be that there is no rhyme and reason for it all? Ask me tomorrow, I sure hope the daylight brings a new perspective.