Only forward

Time stretches before me and it feels like an eternity. 

There's no going back,

No standing still,

Only forward.

Of all the moments I shared with my Brian, if I could pick one to freeze frame in time, to hold onto forever, I would pick the eve before he never woke up again. It was a moment full of mutual tenderness and absolute weariness. In his physical weakness, he was strong. Of all the moments, why would I pick this one to live in forever? I think because our union had come to a place of fullness that is indescribable. If he had not had the battle with cancer, he would not have become who he became. If he had not had the cancer he might not have died. It's a conundrum to be sure, I would have kept him if I could have, but the struggle made him, made us full. Full of life, full of love, and full of gratitude. 

It is impossible for me to paint a beautiful picture out of the searing pain of loss. My kids want me to be happy and push me away at the same time. Friends have moved on to all the projects of life. Family still loves but they cannot comprehend. So I sit in my sorrow and ponder, only forward. In the still quiet of the evening, my heart beats wildly, and I remember the fullness and I am still full of life, love and gratitude. And I wake up each morning and remember the pain, the empty spot on the bed next to me, and in the same breath say thank you Lord for all that was, all that is, and all that comes.

Last December I picked out a new journal to write in. The front of it says "Dwell in possibility". It is just as fitting today as it was then. I was called then to live with the possibility of continued life with my soul-mate, to live fully in the moment, to put off the grief and rejoice while he was with me. Today I live with so many possibilities, but one that I hope for, that the pain will fade a bit tomorrow. And it occurs to me perhaps, the more I feel the pain, the more I will feel the gratitude. So I think to myself, only forward.